22. Chick. College grad. I fell hard and then I crashed hard. I lost the love of my life and this is how I cope. Welcome to my Diary :)Ask me anything Submit
I can’t even keep him happy. He thinks I’m fat and unattractive. Wants to “nudge me” to go to the gym. There’s not really a nice way to tell your girlfriend you aren’t attracted to her anymore. I guess he tried. So much for making me feel like I’m the prettiest girl in the world
The last time I saw him, things changed. It was different. It was a good different. I finally felt like I was worth something in his eyes. Like he wanted me to be there.
It was a spur of the moment trip and he was all for it so I didn’t feel like I was intruding or I was bothering him. It felt good to know that he wanted me to be there with him. So many times I’ve felt like I was the only one who actually wanted to make an effort to see each other. Like he never made me feel like I he didn’t want me to visit. Okay well once he did. But I’ve never really felt like he was super excited to see me. Just like eh yeah cool, sure come down. Like its whatevs. This last time was different. He was SO happy to see me, so excited, a level that finally mirrored the way that I felt. I didn’t feel so one-sided anymore.
While I was there he had plans for us. Spent an insane amount of money on a ticket for wine tasting at his school and he wanted me to be his date. WHOA. I was blown away. I’ve always felt like he’s had 2 separate lives, his school and friends and then me. In a way I felt like he was somehow ashamed of me, or just didn’t like me as much as I did in the sense that he didn’t want to show me off to all of his friends. I was finally apart of the other life, he wanted me to be apart of his school and other friends. It made me really happy. And of course we had a blast and looked like a million bucks doing it. He really is the sexiest.
He would grab my hand while we were in public, even would just put his arm around me, give me a hug from behind and was proud to let everyone know I was his. It was the best feeling, just knowing he wanted me so bad he didn’t care who was around, where we were, he just had to be touching me. Nothing trashy of course, we keep it classy. Its having the intimacy in public that I love, just something between us. That he actually wants me, craves my touch, wants everyone to know that I’m his.
We had a really deep meaningful conversation. We were both pretty drunk but he finally opened up to me and just let me in. No defenses, just us talking. Honestly I think that’s what really changed things. I’m more secure in us. I want to be with him more. If that’s even possible. What I mean is, I’m not so quick to think the worst, I give him the benefit of the doubt more often because I trust him more. My mind generally goes to the worst places when bad things happen because I believed those things could happen. I didn’t think he liked me very much, let alone loved me. I felt like a last resort, like our relationship was just a convenience for him since he wouldn’t have to try to keep dating. But now I feel like he actually wants this. I don’t think he would hurt me without a second thought anymore. He told me “I love you, so much.” That ‘so much’ has never happened. He doesn’t express himself like that. He doesn’t generally let me in like that, and he did. He finally did.
I feel like he didn’t used to want me to know how much I meant to him because that would give me some power over him or something. The thing is, I don’t want that. I just want to know that my feelings aren’t the only ones there. That he feels the same way about me as I do. Because I love him so much. He is the only one for me. My soul mate.
I’m not going to be with him much longer or maybe at all anymore. I deserve far better. I want to be loved and wanted, I don’t have that with him. It’s all about him. Selfish. Close minded. Not willing to put me first. Well good luck with that.
When it’s the 4th of July and you should be celebrating how far this country has come and instead you want to cry because despite all the people around you, you feel so alone. No one really knows you, no one really cares about you.