The Past, Present, and the Future.

:(

So many emotions going on right now. I don’t even know what to think. He’s going away to law school in the fall and he can’t assure me that he’ll do everything he can to keep us together. Basically he’s telling me we’re probably going to break up. Why even be together right now then? It’s just fake. and sucky.

Bullshit.

Sometimes, I think about how much easier life would be if we had just never met. I feel like a bad person even saying this. I love you. I think I love you. Lately I have just been feeling so down. I feel insecure. Like I’m not good enough for you, like I can’t trust you. Like you’re just going to break up with me the moment you meet someone even slightly more attractive than me just to go pursue it. I have never felt this way about a guy; I’ve become so dependent on you. I don’t like who I’m turning into since you’ve come into my life. I pick you over my friends, I slack off on my studies, I’m rarely ever even home anymore. I did it to myself. I put my whole self into this relationship and you are holding back. I do so much for you that you don;t appreciate. I comfort you when you’re upset, I am constantly building up your self esteem, I’m always trying to touch you or be affectionate in some way. You are just selfish. You don’t give anything back. The only way a relationship can be successful is if there is effort coming from both sides. Obviously I want you to want this, to want me. It’s humiliating feeling like I’m forcing this to happen. As hard as it is to admit to myself, it feels like you just don’t care which makes me feel absolutely worthless. I don’t deserve this. I deserve to be with someone who wants me for me. I shouldn’t have to work for your affection, it should be given to me freely. This relationship is bullshit. I’m just terrified of being alone. I haven’t been single since I was a sophomore in high school and now I’m about to graduate college with a degree and start a real life. I don’t want to do it alone. I’m scared I’ll never find anyone better than you.

I just don’t know what to do.

Confusion.

I have a boyfriend of 3 months officially, about 5 months unofficially. He treats me amazing. He takes me out, he cuddles with me, he’s a true gentleman. He finally told me he loved me for the first time a couple days ago. I should be thrilled. I’m not. He told me he had wanted to say it for a while but he didn’t because he doesn’t want me to get hurt. He still doesn’t know what he wants in life or where he’s going in the future. He told me he didn’t want me to love him. HEARTBREAKING. I love him. So much. Already. It scares me. And to know that he doesn’t want it kinda feels like rejection. I feel like someones love is the greatest gift you can give and for it to be unwanted? It’s terrifying. I don’t even know what to do. I don’t want to break up because I do love him and he apparently loves me. But why would I want to be with someone who looks at falling in love as a bad thing? I want him to want me as much as I want him and I don’t think that’s the way its looking right now :/

Thanks for listening to me vent.

Addiction.

I will probably never forget this day. It was terrible. My mother is a heroin addict and has been battling this addiction for years, most of my life. I live with my grandparents and she stays with us. Obviously we don’t approve of her lifestyle. She had been off of it for the past couple of years, just because it was replaced with methadone which is basically heroin in a pill form. You are supposed to lower your dosage continuously until you are off of it. So it is a way to be weened off. She got kicked out of the program and took up the needle again.

My family and I decided we can not let her stay in this household if she is going to continue to do it. We gave her an ultimatum, go into a program or go to the streets, but she can’t stay here. Sounds harsh, but at this point we don’t really have any other options. Letting her stay would only condone what she is doing, which is so far from what we want.

Well today she apparently needed her fix. We had been watching her, making sure she didn’t leave or any that any of her friends came over to offer her the good stuff. One of her friends came over to drop off her ebt card and a cigarette. The friend gives her a whole pack with 2 in it and my mom keeps digging in the box. I ask for the box, she refuses so I grab it. She practically wrestles it from me. She tore my shirt and made me bleed on my shoulder but I couldn’t let her ruin her life, again. She was calling me all kinds of names. I honestly never thought I’d see the day my mom would call me a bitch with pure hatred in her voice. I thought she was going to sock me, but I didn’t care. All I could think about was getting it away. I ran. She caught me. I threw it in her face. I told her if she really cared about anyone in this family she wouldn’t use it. If she did I would never talk to her again. She said fine. FINE. Pick your addiction over your one and only baby girl.

At this point I was sobbing. I told her “I fucking hated her.” And “I hope you burn in hell.” I’m not proud of that, but I’m glad she finally knows how much it really affects all of us. I don’t know what’s gonna happen in the days to come. My grandma explained to me that its not her, its the addiction. When you need it that’s all you can think about. And I know that, but its hard to see your mom in that state. I just pray that God knows what he’s doing.

Worst day ever.